Tonight was a good night.

Tonight was a good night. Made some money and had a few moments of inspiration and levity. Talked for a long time to an ex sergeant army guy who came in to see me. He is raising his three daughters, two teenagers and a seven year old. His wife cheated on him...we talked about how aggravating it is to have your trust broken. How bad it feels to know that your innocence is gone...that you are harder and more bitter than you ever were before. Also to know that you may have caused someone else to feel this way is so sad and unforgivable.
He wants to take me out to dinner...just dinner...because he likes my company. I told him I was kind of involved...and dont want to cause pain to anyone. Its true...I want to keep my soul clean and pure. Take care of the hearts that are giving me goodness so that I can take it in with out guilt.
When he found out about his wife, he threw the guy into a wall. He realized he was about to get himself in deep trouble and decided that he was not going to destroy his future over these people. So, he says, he just stopped and walked away. He is happy.
He pays for poor kids to play football to try and keep them off the street. Young kids are dying on the streets in Baltimore. He wants to do what he can, for as many as he can. He is big into sports and knows its a way to build up their lives. He pays for their physicals and the uniforms and equipment. They have a game tomorrow...the Steelers of Edgewood. Go team!
While I was talking to him another of my fellows came in. Old guy...wears a cute hat all the time and has good style. He is a recovering alcoholic and last week he tells me his AA adviser got in his face and almost got himself punched. I suggested he look for another! Unfortunately the army guy took too much of my time and I didnt get to talk to this one tonight. He left before I got to him. I feel kind of sad about it. You know, its nice that he comes in to see me.
The first time I met him, he was in a terrible mood...I really had to look into him and come check on him often to lift him out of it. He is a regular now and he looks for me. I am into building long term customers. I want to make a safe place for them to come and feel good and sexy and calm.
I have this problem...I am very personal and get into these conversations and then there is a slight jealousy...or perceived jealousy....I dont know....when I dont get so deep with them time and time again. Sometimes I am busy or tired....or just feeling flat myself.
I had a moment tonight, of this flatness. There is always a slow moment that gets to me...and I find myself desperately wanting to get out of there. I feel insecure. I feel skinny and old and pathetic. I worry. I loose my charm and it then gets worse. All the other girls look so good...I see my flaws. Its a kind of stage fright I guess.
There is always a way out though. A great song...a lively customer with a sweet compliment. I end up feeling fine by the end of it. I really love the girls there too. They lift me and make me laugh. Drunk Russian beauties. I am so lucky to be part of this world. Its ridiculous. What a collection of women. I tell Valeria (the owner) how amazing her creation is...her collection...is just fantastic. Real and honest and sweet and sexy sexy.