I do love dancing. Its a wonderful feeling to let the music flow in to a body that responds with out hesitation. I tell a story and look out from another layer of myself. I never thought I would dance on a stage or have the sass to pull it off with confidence. I shoot out sparks sometimes...its so fun to project your energy and watch people wake up to it.
There is a new girl at the club. She is Lebanese and has a big love for cabaret and looks like Liza herself. So, we dress up in showgirl outfits and use canes and chairs...campy stuff. She is taking classes for pole dance and has some really elegant spins. I watch and pick up what I can. She is curvy and short and a little self conscious about her body. I love her for pushing through that and making herself do this. Last night she tells me, "This song feels so good to dance naked to!". That's my kind of girl...I have the same experience.
Dressing up is the the big thing at our particular hole in the wall and I love it! We often dance in pairs and we like to match the outfits to the song. Tell little stories or create a particular mood.

We get a lot of regulars...guys who come in for our company and the cheap beer. They ask questions and offer advice. We do the same...as it is a very low key environment and offers the opportunity for this. We dont do lap dances and there is no champagne room. Strictly tips from dancing and we dont pick money up off the floor. We engage with each person in the room after each round.
Its a peculiar place. Not your average strip joint, from what I hear anyway.
So, we are friends with these fellows. I worry about "him" if he doesnt show up for a couple weeks. Sometimes they bring us food and every once in a while, a present. They are our fans and I enjoy dancing for them as much as they like to watch. Its symbiotic and natural and very adult.

I haven't been going in to dance. Its been more important to work on my business and get something done for the holidays. I make about the same amount of money and its more productive in the long run.
My husband finally sent some money...about half what he said he would. He sent along a note saying, "I LOVE YOU", in large letters. Its confusing for me. I get a sting and a spark in my heart simultaneously. I dont want to know that he loves me still. That he misses us. What is the point of all this, if that is the case? Why are we three thousand miles apart? What is going on? Maybe he just wants to keep me hanging on...the comfort of my love to fill in the cracks. I find it comfortable to love him too...I have for so long. I find it difficult not to.
I asked him not to communicate with me in that manner. I told him to express his feelings for our daughter...but to leave me out of it. I dont want to feel anything. I want to ignore it until its not there anymore. I let him know this. He cried. He says he understands...he wont anymore. It makes my heart ache and of course I want his love...but not when its like that. From such a distance...and at the expense of the woman he lives with now. I dont want to be his new false crush...his affair. I know too much. He has a phantom heart that tricks and manipulates. I only want the real love that we had....the one I recognize and feel safe with.

I start a couture sewing class in March. Its expensive. I am not sure why I am pursuing such a specialized skill in this economy! Made to order couture? Am I nuts? Maybe....but this is what came to me and I dont turn down the gifts of the universe. Thats my role as artist. Just keep saying yes to what rings my soul bells...thats how you make the art. It comes through us if we let it. I cant question that....what would be left of me? That is what I am. So I sent the money. Four grand! To a Russian woman....another Russian?! Ella...she is going to give me the tools I need to bring my visions to life. The finished edges that are required for the next step.
Luxery lingerie? Tango dresses? This is what I am thinking about. Dance, hand dyed silk, fashion. Should be fun.