I haven't been going in to dance. Its been more important to work on my business and get something done for the holidays. I make about the same amount of money and its more productive in the long run.
My husband finally sent some money...about half what he said he would. He sent along a note saying, "I LOVE YOU", in large letters. Its confusing for me. I get a sting and a spark in my heart simultaneously. I dont want to know that he loves me still. That he misses us. What is the point of all this, if that is the case? Why are we three thousand miles apart? What is going on? Maybe he just wants to keep me hanging on...the comfort of my love to fill in the cracks. I find it comfortable to love him too...I have for so long. I find it difficult not to.
I asked him not to communicate with me in that manner. I told him to express his feelings for our daughter...but to leave me out of it. I dont want to feel anything. I want to ignore it until its not there anymore. I let him know this. He cried. He says he understands...he wont anymore. It makes my heart ache and of course I want his love...but not when its like that. From such a distance...and at the expense of the woman he lives with now. I dont want to be his new false crush...his affair. I know too much. He has a phantom heart that tricks and manipulates. I only want the real love that we had....the one I recognize and feel safe with.

I start a couture sewing class in March. Its expensive. I am not sure why I am pursuing such a specialized skill in this economy! Made to order couture? Am I nuts? Maybe....but this is what came to me and I dont turn down the gifts of the universe. Thats my role as artist. Just keep saying yes to what rings my soul bells...thats how you make the art. It comes through us if we let it. I cant question that....what would be left of me? That is what I am. So I sent the money. Four grand! To a Russian woman....another Russian?! Ella...she is going to give me the tools I need to bring my visions to life. The finished edges that are required for the next step.
Luxery lingerie? Tango dresses? This is what I am thinking about. Dance, hand dyed silk, fashion. Should be fun.