New Year Shifting

Hey hey! So much is happening. I planted seeds and they are all starting to sprout. This seems to happen every year around my birthday. Feb 17...means spring is on the way. Change. Perseverance furthers.
Dancing at the Russian changed my life. I knew it would. There are those markers that identify the opening of a new chapter and this nutty job was surely one of them. I learned that I am an outgoing person and that I affect people. What a nice awakening, to that bit of me that I misunderstood. I felt that I was a shy, meek woman incorrectly packaged in a shiny wrapping. I am starting to see that its alright to go ahead and shine on out from the inside. Good times...thanks for that!
Saturday night was one of the dancer's birthday and it was a big night, despite the blizzard! We had a full house with a lot of unusual characters. So we all camped it up and really put on a big show. Lots of skits and silly acting out. I hula hooped and skinned my knees being a bitchy leopard who could not be controlled by her trainers whip. Then I dressed as the captain and made poor Svetlana scrub the brass poles and the deck of the ship, not to mention, the tip of my sword. Ridiculous and funny and I could hear the crowd laughing and shouting for us. It was non stop and the feathers were flying. Its so much more fun when people pay attention and are entertained.
So entertained, in fact, that I was invited to join a burlesque troupe that is putting on shows in the Baltimore area!? That is so flattering and kind of exciting to think about. I do love bawdy humor and I am at my best on stage it showing off. There is also the potential in that group to pick up some custom design costume jobs.
I have started the couture sewing course and I love it. So inspiring and fun to see it unfold. We are working on simple patterns and making them fabulous. I can already see how this is going to open up whole new worlds for me, design wise. It takes some of the fear out of cutting the fabric. I am getting some Confidence in my toolbox along with the other great stuff.
The real big news...for me anyway....is that I am moving on out of the grandparents house and into my own. Marina Belle and I will be going to PA for the next life experience. This flips me out and gives me a joy in my heart at the same time. We are going to live in a little house on a hill. We share the space with a nice older man and his little dog, Scully. He is a Buddhist, opera buff, special ed teacher, divorced father of three, with a girlfriend. Perfect. Oh, importantly, it is cheap enough for me to handle with just a little help from my (ex)husband.
Speaking of which...he will be here on Tuesday for Marina's third birthday. I am not sure how that is going to feel or what will come of it. For now...I am glad that she gets her birthday wish to see her daddy. He has been suffering with out her. I know this. They need to see each other.
love to all.

Young people

Every time I go dance I say to myself...I am too old for this. My eyes are tired and the cracking, shiny make up makes it worse. So much make up! The Russians love make up. I hate the make up. My body, however, is not too old for it. She loves it! I have to let her dance....it does make us feel good.
A boy named Chris asked me, "Are you into young people at all?" Do I slap him or kiss him?! What a thing to say! He says he will come next weekend to see me again. He watched with an intensity that only the young boys have...they get lost. He is cute...but I don't think I am into young people.
We got two new girls. It is good. They are into burlesque and that is really good. I had fun dressing my new partner and she was full of enthusiasm. The other girl...amazingly...is signed up for the same couture sewing class that I am?! There are only three students and she and I are two of them, both working as dancers in the same club. She describes herself as a seamstress with no design capability...I am the opposite. Its perfect. Maybe I am building a life? There seem to be connections happening.
The other thing going on is this theater costuming job. I am alternately excited and suspicious of the whole thing. It would be great if it is real and I really am going to be paid to do this. I cant tell if it is some girl with big ideas and no real backing...or if she can actually pull it off and pay me eight grand. I do want to dig into the script and make amazing stuff. I want to work hard on something and see what I can do. I have not really tried anything like this before. I played it so safe that I disappeared into nothing.
It fits that I am working as a performer and taking a sewing course. Things coming together again...adding up to something. A life building.
Honestly, every morning I get up and walk out of this room that I am in and I feel the air. I see the rugs on the floor, the smell of this house...and its all surreal. Every day I am confused about why I am here. I forget in my sleep, that my life has changed so much, and I am forced back into this reality each morning. Its brutal...and I just try not to let it crumble my mind. The structure of reality is so fragile and it wont stick. I cant let it into my mind. I just cannot believe that THIS is my life now. Here. NOT there? Not with him? My daughter and I just drifting out here? I have no weight to hold us down. I cant find a homebase.
It allows a certain freedom and there is some joy in that. I have a secret life, in the open. Because I am with no one I know or who knows me...this family of mine has no idea. The elders don't want to know...and my mother, can only be my mother. She and I are trapped in our way of being and fear of change. Who knows anyone? Who does? No one really knows anyone. Ever. Its so lonely...and we are all there together.