Young people

Every time I go dance I say to myself...I am too old for this. My eyes are tired and the cracking, shiny make up makes it worse. So much make up! The Russians love make up. I hate the make up. My body, however, is not too old for it. She loves it! I have to let her dance....it does make us feel good.
A boy named Chris asked me, "Are you into young people at all?" Do I slap him or kiss him?! What a thing to say! He says he will come next weekend to see me again. He watched with an intensity that only the young boys have...they get lost. He is cute...but I don't think I am into young people.
We got two new girls. It is good. They are into burlesque and that is really good. I had fun dressing my new partner and she was full of enthusiasm. The other girl...amazingly...is signed up for the same couture sewing class that I am?! There are only three students and she and I are two of them, both working as dancers in the same club. She describes herself as a seamstress with no design capability...I am the opposite. Its perfect. Maybe I am building a life? There seem to be connections happening.
The other thing going on is this theater costuming job. I am alternately excited and suspicious of the whole thing. It would be great if it is real and I really am going to be paid to do this. I cant tell if it is some girl with big ideas and no real backing...or if she can actually pull it off and pay me eight grand. I do want to dig into the script and make amazing stuff. I want to work hard on something and see what I can do. I have not really tried anything like this before. I played it so safe that I disappeared into nothing.
It fits that I am working as a performer and taking a sewing course. Things coming together again...adding up to something. A life building.
Honestly, every morning I get up and walk out of this room that I am in and I feel the air. I see the rugs on the floor, the smell of this house...and its all surreal. Every day I am confused about why I am here. I forget in my sleep, that my life has changed so much, and I am forced back into this reality each morning. Its brutal...and I just try not to let it crumble my mind. The structure of reality is so fragile and it wont stick. I cant let it into my mind. I just cannot believe that THIS is my life now. Here. NOT there? Not with him? My daughter and I just drifting out here? I have no weight to hold us down. I cant find a homebase.
It allows a certain freedom and there is some joy in that. I have a secret life, in the open. Because I am with no one I know or who knows me...this family of mine has no idea. The elders don't want to know...and my mother, can only be my mother. She and I are trapped in our way of being and fear of change. Who knows anyone? Who does? No one really knows anyone. Ever. Its so lonely...and we are all there together.