2020 UPDate

So. Its been a minute. I live in many places...somewhere and nowhere. Spent the last 3 years making money and living in my car, at my friends house and in WA state with my husband and child. I drove thousands of miles between jobs in LA and NYC in a car I bought from my father in law.  It is long enough to sleep in, has great MPG, and it came with a mechanic. 

Its been a learning curve. A fear curve...I watched a LOT of youtubes about the van life. I did finally get a van after 5 years of planning on getting one. I am cautious. slow. deliberate. 

I just moved my stuff (has been in storage) to WA state. Into this house, that is owned by one of the mothers. Its only been a few months. Covid is happening. I've been here since March. The child we had is now 13. As a person, they are strong, independent, non-binary, and wearing 90's goth and a LOT of black eyeliner. They are currently living in a town 100 miles from here, with baby mama #1 (Justina, who owns the house) and the little sister JOJO. Its a bigger town, a better school system with opportunities for a better future. Justina has a ton of money and spends it on the girls. She is intelligent and successful. Cold as ice, but why would she be otherwise with me? 

I find myself here with my husband after 10+ years of being apart and we are just as in love as we ever were. More. Better. Adult. I only got a few month with all 3 of us together. My whole family in one house. 

He has had 3 children with 3 women. Ours is not living with us...and I am here tonight drinking tequila while he navigates the 2 boys he has taken on. One is his. They are loud and violent, but also sweet and scared. I remain neutral. I have to. The mother makes reason impossible and created a wall of jealous rage that I am not inclined to climb over. She is young and angry. She has breast cancer too. Its impossibly convoluted and terrifying. 

I have no desire to fix his life. I live mine...around his. I come and go. I love him He loves me. That's all we need this time around. I have my own child to pay attention to...when I get to be with them.