Awakening to My Self Sabotage

 I'm just going to jump right in because its too much to sort through for me to start at the beginning. As things unfold, all of the relevant threads will weave themselves together in the way they do. The beginning of a basket is just as important a part of the shape as the last bit, and will always be part of the whole. I expect it will loop around introducing the head to the tail repeatedly, as it does in my mind, while this thing evolves.... 

I have habits of the mind. Before I/we got involved with this other woman, I was able to stay blind to my self serving mental loops. Protection spells that that were conjured through trauma, to keep my heart distant and my ego safe. This is the part of me that keeps me smaller than I am and risk adverse to a debilitating degree. It keeps me just a little bit ready to flee as soon as I feel a threat to my control center. It keeps the fight or flight suitcase packed in the corner and makes sure that no one can trick me again into thinking I have a safe place to unpack it.  

Another aspect of this system, is a continual scanning of the horizon for potential threats, that can be going on without my conscious mind knowing it, and exhausts the resources of my emotional center. It makes me critical of my lovers. It shows me scarcity, while shielding my heart's eye from seeing the abundance in my life. I have to fight a part of my own mind, as I navigate through the spiked tongue of a jealous critic, to get to the love I crave. On days that I am weak, I simply don't feel love, and to escape this pain I unintentionally cause pain in others. I am ashamed of this injustice and beat myself up for insulting their gracious hearts. 

It's a cycle where I am hurt by everyone around me, and stubbornly refuse to believe or recognize their attempts to engage with me in a loving way. I find myself obsessed with the perceived pain, and end up mired in an emotional glitch that sews my heart's eye shut. I guess this is a tactic that my frightened self uses, to keep me from feeling safe, so that we cannot be tricked into believing that I am. Unfortunately, as I engage in this fear blind search for what could potentially hurt me, I weave the first harmful threads of the very future I am terrified of.  

These threats that it scans for are primarily focused on my husband. He is the closest to me and the one who holds the biggest cords to my desired future, so I am especially rigid in my observation of his words and actions. He unintentionally says dumb things, that send my spider scanner into absolute turmoil, and sets off a cascade of thoughts and reactions that we all suffer the consequence of. 

....three days later...

I wasn't looking for a change, but I've changed with the circumstances. The instinctive jealous reaction has been powerful and difficult for me to overcome as quickly as I would like to. It's been quite a few months of serious discussions, holding tight, giving up and coming back together again. It's been an up and down cycle coinciding with my period, that affects me both mentally and physically. I am so thankful that my partners are both loving and patient. They understand that this is going to be a complex path for me to navigate and they hold space for my tantrums, deep pain, and complete mental reversals. 

I never expected a woman to find me and love me this way. Its equally surprising that she would awaken a desire in me, that is becoming so powerful, that it has extend into my marriage with Quill. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever consider sharing my deepest love with another person. Yet, here we are, all falling in love and committing to ever deeper connections with each other. It feels natural and powerful, despite my desperate clinging to what I know vs what I cannot control.